A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When He got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't
notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it
would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm
with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it
says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life',
so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
Posted with Kristi's approval and endorsement (she is a blonde).....she laughed as much as I did!::
So, How Blonde Was She???
She was Soooooooo Blonde that:
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #4 she took bus #2 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She thinks Taco Bell is the MEXICAN PHONE COMPANY.
Hunting season is just about over in Montana.
So, 2 hunters were out in the woods and discovered that they were lost. So the one hunter suggested that his partner shoot 3 shots into the air, the standard distress and "call for help" signal. They waited awhile, then fired 3 more shots into the air. They repeatedly tried this approach to getting help but nobody responded to their signals. Finally, the one hunter declared, now we're really in trouble. "Lost, and I'm out of arrows."
There were three finalists for a position at the CIA, two men and one woman. They were nervously awaiting their final testing when the CIA director came into the room to give the instructions. He said, "I am sorry to have to inform you, but as a final test of your loyalty we are going to ask you to step into the next room. There you will find your spouse tied to a chair and we are going to ask you to end their life."
One of the men went in first and came out almost immediately, tears streaming down his face. He said, "I just can't do it, I just can't. I love her too much."
The second man went into the room and after 10 minutes came out, distressed as well. He could not complete the task either.
Finally the woman went in. Immediately shots rang out one after the other followed by sounds of scuffling and banging. After a little while the door flew open. The woman was panting, hair disheveled and looked like she had been in a major fight. After being questioned about what happened, she announced, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to kill him with a chair!!!!"
The Pasta Diet and Your Health:
Italian Pasta Diet-----It REALLY works!
1. You walka pasta da bakery....
2. You walka pasta da candy store....
3. You walka pasta da ice cream shop....
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge....
You will lose weight!
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health: It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting, nutritional studies........
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, “It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" (This one is my favorite.)
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, its morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new gym - fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
Can you read this?
Mostly Olny srmat poelpe can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
A small child came home from Sunday school and told his mother: "The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He made man first, but the man was very lonely with no one to talk to, so God put the man to sleep, and while he was asleep, God took out his brains and made a woman out of them."
Mother: "Billy, what are you doing there in the pantry?"
Billy: "Fighting temptation, Mom."
The trouble with opportunity is that it only knocks. Temptation kicks the door in.
On a church bulletin board: "Forbidden fruit has resulted in many a jam."
Consider the whale. Whenever he spouts off, he takes the chance of being harpooned.
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
Here's one that starts like a joke.....but see if you're still laughing at the end.......
"The Drug Problem in America"
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?'' I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug! to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin , Texas ...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
In the window of a small store in Gettysburg, PA, was a sign with these words, "If you can't stop in, smile as you go by." It takes 73 muscles to frown--14 to smile. No wonder the grouchy people are always tired. It has been said if you laugh every day it is equal to 10 minutes of exercise.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.